Why would someone sell his house, leave everything behind, and move to another country for a relationship that seemed to have no foundation?
He wasn’t stupid. He didn’t ignore the risks. He just did it anyway.
I worked with a man who had been in a relationship marked by volatility and intense emotional swings. Sometimes, it felt transcendent. Other times, fragile and unpredictable.
When she decided to move to Europe, he went with her.
He sold his house. He quit his job. He left his life.
They broke up within months.
He moved back in with his parents and started over.
But he didn’t come back asking, “What should I do now?”
He asked something far more important:
“How could I have done that?”
Inside most regrets is a version of that question.
We like to believe we make decisions logically. That we weigh options. That we consider consequences.
But most decisions don’t begin with logic.
They begin earlier.
Much earlier.
The Survival Decision
When emotions rise, the mind shifts priorities.
It is no longer trying to be rational. It is trying to solve something.
To reduce fear. To prevent abandonment. To maintain connection. To avoid pain. To feel secure.
When someone is highly sensitive to emotional loss, being without a partner doesn’t feel like a risk.
It feels like a threat.
And when the brain perceives threat—whether physical or emotional—it shifts into what we can call:
The Survival Decision Mode
In this state:
- The amygdala increases emotional urgency
- Stress signals rise
- Attention narrows
- Long-term thinking becomes secondary
The goal is no longer: “What is the best decision for my future?”
The goal becomes: “What will reduce this feeling right now?”
From the outside, his decision looked impulsive.
From the inside, it felt necessary.
Why It Made Sense at the Time
At that moment, staying behind may have felt like loss.
Leaving may have felt like safety.
And the brain will almost always choose what feels safer emotionally—even if it costs more long-term.
This is not irrationality.
It is prioritization.
We see this everywhere:
Someone stays in a relationship they know is unhealthy. Someone spends money they know they shouldn’t. Someone says yes when they want to say no. Someone holds on when they should let go.
From the outside, it doesn’t make sense.
From the inside, it makes perfect sense.
So the question changes.
Not:
“Why did I do something so stupid?”
But:
“What was my mind trying to protect?”
The Pause That Changes Everything
This isn’t about removing responsibility.
It’s about gaining understanding.
Because understanding changes what happens next.
The next time you feel pulled toward a decision that feels urgent, ask:
“Is this a future decision… or a survival decision?”
- Future decisions feel considered
- Survival decisions feel urgent
That distinction matters.
It won’t always stop the decision.
But it will help you see it.
And sometimes, seeing it is enough to create space.
We will never become perfectly logical.
We will never eliminate emotion.
But we can learn to recognize the moment when emotion begins to drive action.
And in that space—between emotion and decision—something important appears:
Choice.
And with choice comes something even more powerful:
Understanding.
Dr. Jassam is a practicing medical doctor in Canada with additional qualifications and extended training in psychiatry. He holds a postgraduate diploma in psychiatry from the Royal College of Physicians of Ireland and a master’s degree from the University of Melbourne. He is also the author of several books on ADHD, panic disorder, burnout, and other mental health topics. His writing combines medical evidence, psychiatric knowledge, and clinical experience.
