Why do kids raised by controlling parents always ask for reassurance even when they know the answer?
Why can they feel so insecure when they are actually skilled enough to handle it?
Why does making a decision feel like such a burden when it should feel natural?
And why is it that sometimes…
It’s not about capability…
It’s because of what they learned to believe about themselves.
THE TRUTH
He knew what he should do.
But he still felt unsure.
He hesitated.
Second-guessed himself.
Looked to others for approval.
Wished someone would just tell him what to do.
Not because he couldn’t do it but because he didn’t fully trust himself to make the right decision.
Growing up his decisions were often made for him.
Someone was always there to:
Guide him.
Correct him.
Jump in.
Tell him what was best.
What was better.
What should be done.
So instead of learning to trust himself… he learned to wait for someone else to decide.
Little by little… he began to doubt his own abilities.
THE LARGER ISSUE
Confidence isn’t built on always being right.
It is built on experiencing ownership.
Making a choice.
Doing something.
Seeing the result.
And learning that you can cope with it when you get it wrong.
THE LESSON THEY LEARNED
If parents habitually:
Make your decisions for you.
Correct you.
Step in too quickly.
Or take over before you have a chance.
You might learn:
“I may not be able to do this on my own.”
“I need someone to tell me this is correct.”
“Other people will know what to do better than me.”
Slowly… these thoughts can become messages about yourself.
You start borrowing confidence from others instead of learning to develop confidence in yourself.
INSIDE THE MIND: WHAT’S HAPPENING UNDERNEATH
Controlling behavior doesn’t just affect actions.
Kids internalize messages too.
By constantly stepping in, parents can unintentionally teach their children:
“You can’t do this on your own.”
Internalized, a child may come to believe:
“I can never fully trust myself.”
HOW IT LOOKS FROM THE INSIDE
You know what should be done but you hesitate.
You make a choice and then look for someone to validate it.
You courageously take action in a situation but anxiously wait for someone else to tell you that it was the right thing to do.
To someone else, it may look like lack of confidence.
To you, it feels like playing it safe.
You are capable.
You just may not have had the chance to learn how to trust YOUR own capabilities.
THE EXPERIENCE FOR THE BRAIN
Doing builds confidence.
Making mistakes teaches resilience.
Adjusting teaches flexibility.
Trying again builds tenacity.
Every decision we make teaches our brain that we can:
Think for ourselves.
Handle mistakes.
Confidence is built through both winning and failing. Because every time we fail… and recover… we learn that:
“It is okay to get something wrong.
I can learn from my mistakes and eventually figure out what to do.”
REAL LIFE APPLICATION
This is why kids raised by controlling parents often:
Feel nervous about making decisions.
Make mountains out of molehills.
Play it safe.
Ask others for help after they’ve already made a choice.
Change their minds to please someone else.
Believe others will do it better than them.
Feel guilty when making a choice that their parent would disapprove of.
They may look like they lack confidence.
But often… they simply don’t trust their own judgment yet.
THE TURNAROUND
Instead of asking yourself:
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why don’t I have confidence?”
Ask yourself:
“When did I learn not to trust my choices?”
This will shift your focus from your skills and place the focus on the learned behavior that made you question those skills.
REBUILDING TRUST IN YOURSELF
Tomorrow you won’t wake up and suddenly feel confident in all you do.
But you can start training yourself to trust yourself again.
It won’t happen overnight.
Begin with small decisions.
Decide what to do.
Act on those decisions.
And allow yourself to experience the outcome without running to someone else to ask if you did the right thing.
The goal is to retrain yourself to believe that:
“I can decide.”
“I can learn from my mistakes.”
“I can handle whatever comes my way.”
RESTORE HOPE
Kids of controlling parents don’t just grow up fearing failure.
They grow up fearing their own judgment.
But here’s the good news…
Fear can be undone.
Trust can be restored.
And all it takes is one small decision at a time.
One wrong outcome.
And one choice you make without asking anyone else for permission.
Until one day you realize you aren’t waiting for others to tell you what you SHOULD do anymore.
You are trusting yourself.
Dr. Jassam is a practicing medical doctor in Canada with additional qualifications and extended training in psychiatry. He holds a postgraduate diploma in psychiatry from the Royal College of Physicians of Ireland and a master’s degree from the University of Melbourne. He is also the author of several books on ADHD, panic disorder, burnout, and other mental health topics. His writing combines medical evidence, psychiatric knowledge, and clinical experience.
