Why can a child look directly at you while you’re speaking…
Nod their head.
Say, “Okay.”
And then forget what you asked them to do moments later?
Why can they remember every detail about their favourite game…
But forget the three instructions you gave them before school?
And why is it that sometimes…
They heard your words.
But those words disappeared before they could act on them?
He said he heard her
“Put your shoes on, grab your backpack, and meet me by the door.”
Her son looked directly at her.
“Okay.”
A few minutes later, she found him sitting on the floor playing with something he had discovered under the couch.
His shoes were still beside the stairs.
His backpack was still in his room.
“Didn’t you hear what I said?”
“Yes.”
“Then why aren’t you ready?”
He looked confused.
He remembered that she had spoken to him.
He even remembered agreeing to do something.
But the actual instructions?
They were gone.
She thought he wasn’t listening.
He thought he must have done something wrong again.
Neither of them understood that hearing an instruction and holding onto it long enough to complete it are not always the same thing.
Inside the Mind: What’s Happening Underneath?
Children with ADHD can hear the words being spoken to them and still struggle to keep those words active in their minds.
This can involve working memory.
Working memory is the mental space we use to temporarily hold information while doing something with it.
It helps a child remember:
“Go upstairs.”
“Get your backpack.”
“Bring it to the door.”
The child has to hold all three steps in mind while moving from one place to another.
But if their attention shifts along the way…
A toy catches their eye.
The dog runs past.
They remember something they wanted to find.
The original instructions may disappear from that mental space.
It does not necessarily mean the child chose to ignore you.
The information may not have remained available long enough for them to use it.
Hearing is not the same as registering
A child’s ears may hear your voice.
But their attention may not fully register what you are saying.
Perhaps they were thinking about something else.
Watching television.
Finishing a game.
Trying to solve a problem.
Or managing several thoughts at once.
They may look at you when you call their name.
They may automatically answer, “Okay.”
But part of their attention may still be attached to whatever they were doing before you spoke.
The instruction reaches them.
It simply does not settle deeply enough to remain there.
That is why asking, “Did you hear me?” may not tell you what you need to know.
They may honestly answer yes.
A more useful question may be:
“What did you hear me ask you to do?”
The instruction can disappear on the way
Imagine writing an important reminder on a small piece of paper.
Then carrying it through a windy room.
That is what a multistep instruction can sometimes feel like to a child with ADHD.
They begin with the message.
But distractions, thoughts, emotions, and competing information can pull pieces of it away.
By the time they reach the other room, they may remember only one part.
“Get dressed, brush your teeth, pack your lunch, and bring your permission slip.”
They get dressed.
Then notice a book on the bed.
The book reminds them about school.
School reminds them about a conversation with a friend.
And the remaining instructions are gone.
From the outside, it can appear as though they stopped caring.
From the inside, their attention simply moved before the task was completed.
Why repeating yourself becomes frustrating
Parents can become exhausted from saying the same thing again and again.
“Put your coat on.”
“Where is your lunch?”
“Did you brush your teeth?”
“I already asked you three times.”
After enough repetition, forgetfulness can begin to feel personal.
You may wonder:
“Why doesn’t my child take me seriously?”
“Why do they remember what matters to them but forget everything I say?”
But memory is not a measurement of love or respect.
A child can care about what you said and still struggle to hold it in mind.
They may remember information connected to excitement, novelty, emotion, or strong interest more easily than an ordinary instruction.
“Get ready for bed” has to compete with everything already capturing their attention.
A fact about their favourite subject may enter a mind that is already waiting for it.
Why more words may make it harder
When a child forgets, adults often respond by giving a longer explanation.
“I have told you repeatedly that you need to put your belongings away as soon as you get home because every morning we waste time looking for them.”
The parent is trying to provide clarity.
But the child now has even more information to process.
The original instruction can become buried inside the explanation.
For some children with ADHD, fewer words are easier to hold.
Instead of:
“Clean your room before dinner, put your laundry in the basket, take those cups downstairs, and don’t forget your homework.”
Try:
“First, put your laundry in the basket.”
Then give the next step when that one is finished.
You are not lowering expectations.
You are changing how the information reaches them.
Making instructions easier to remember
Before giving an instruction, gently make sure you have the child’s attention.
Say their name.
Pause what is competing for their focus when possible.
Keep the direction brief and specific.
Ask them to repeat it back in their own words.
Break longer tasks into smaller steps.
Use a checklist, picture schedule, timer, or written reminder when appropriate.
You might say:
“Shoes first.”
Then:
“Now get your backpack.”
For routines that happen every day, place the reminder where the task happens.
A morning checklist near the door can carry information that the child’s working memory may not hold consistently.
The goal is not to make the child dependent on reminders.
It is to give their brain external support while they practise completing routines.
When it may not be ADHD
Not every child who forgets instructions has ADHD.
Children may have trouble listening or remembering when they are tired, anxious, overwhelmed, distracted, stressed, or uninterested.
Hearing difficulties, sleep problems, learning differences, language-processing difficulties, and other conditions can sometimes look similar.
ADHD cannot be determined from one behaviour alone.
If forgetfulness and difficulty following instructions happen frequently, occur in more than one setting, and interfere with the child’s daily life, speaking with a qualified healthcare professional may help clarify what is happening.
The part the child may not say
Repeatedly forgetting can affect how a child sees themselves.
They hear:
“You never listen.”
“You’re careless.”
“You know better.”
Eventually, they may begin thinking:
“Something is wrong with me.”
But the child may not need another reminder that they forgot.
They may need help understanding why remembering is difficult—and a practical way to succeed next time.
Accountability still matters.
Children need to learn routines, complete responsibilities, and repair mistakes.
But accountability works better when it is supported by understanding.
The truth
Some children with ADHD seem to hear you but forget what you said because hearing, focusing, holding information in mind, and acting on it are separate steps.
The words may reach their ears.
They may genuinely intend to follow them.
But somewhere between listening and doing…
The instruction gets lost.
The next time that happens, instead of beginning with:
“Why didn’t you listen?”
Try asking:
“What part do you remember?”
Then help them find the next step.
Because sometimes a child is not refusing to do what you asked.
They are standing there trying to recover an instruction their mind could not hold onto.
Dr. Jassam is a practicing medical doctor in Canada with additional qualifications and extended training in psychiatry. He holds a postgraduate diploma in psychiatry from the Royal College of Physicians of Ireland and a master’s degree from the University of Melbourne. He is also the author of several books on ADHD, panic disorder, burnout, and other mental health topics. His writing combines medical evidence, psychiatric knowledge, and clinical experience
